1
00:00:04,643 --> 00:00:07,279
When I was younger, I didn't get out much.

2
00:00:09,250 --> 00:00:10,583
Ta-da!

3
00:00:10,585 --> 00:00:12,787
Thank you! Thank you.

4
00:00:12,789 --> 00:00:15,590
Oh, that's so sweet.
Gizmo, you're too kind.

5
00:00:15,592 --> 00:00:17,293
So when Corynn McWatters,

6
00:00:17,295 --> 00:00:18,896
the most popular girl in school,

7
00:00:18,897 --> 00:00:21,131
invited me, the most butt girl in school,

8
00:00:21,134 --> 00:00:23,970
to her super exclusive
V.I.P.-only slumber party...

9
00:00:26,608 --> 00:00:27,976
I should've known something was up.

10
00:00:30,948 --> 00:00:32,715
That morning, I woke up looking like

11
00:00:32,717 --> 00:00:34,052
a jacked up version of Annie.

12
00:00:34,140 --> 00:00:36,808
And honestly, not much has changed.

13
00:00:36,811 --> 00:00:39,713
Well, that's not true.
One thing has changed...

14
00:00:39,715 --> 00:00:41,784
now I know how to work it.

15
00:00:41,885 --> 00:00:43,653
First, there's face prep,

16
00:00:43,655 --> 00:00:45,722
featuring Jessica's cleansing wipes

17
00:00:45,724 --> 00:00:48,126
and Drew's toning wipes.

18
00:00:48,128 --> 00:00:49,996
Then I reverse my bedhead...

19
00:00:51,766 --> 00:00:53,967
And find my "Hairspiration."

20
00:00:53,969 --> 00:00:57,672
Clear waves, full spiral, can't lose.

21
00:00:57,675 --> 00:00:59,876
Finally, I put my face on
using Kim's primer veil,

22
00:00:59,878 --> 00:01:02,279
which was recently militarized.

23
00:01:02,281 --> 00:01:04,683
All in all, it takes me roughly three hours

24
00:01:04,685 --> 00:01:05,952
to look alpha, not beta.

25
00:01:05,954 --> 00:01:07,888
But it was worth it,

26
00:01:07,890 --> 00:01:11,126
'cause I was gonna floss at
the "Women in Pharma" brunch.

27
00:01:13,197 --> 00:01:14,998
Dang!

28
00:01:15,000 --> 00:01:16,735
I missed it.

29
00:01:18,706 --> 00:01:21,040
Now the only thing left to hope for

30
00:01:21,042 --> 00:01:22,409
was that Henry wouldn't notice.

31
00:01:22,410 --> 00:01:23,711
Morning, Eliza.

32
00:01:23,713 --> 00:01:25,647
If you wanna go by
unnoticed, you might wanna try

33
00:01:25,649 --> 00:01:27,416
a milder fragrance with
fewer notes of cotton candy.

34
00:01:27,418 --> 00:01:29,119
You noticed!

35
00:01:29,120 --> 00:01:31,021
As did the entire left wing of this office.

36
00:01:31,023 --> 00:01:33,291
How was the "Women in Pharma" brunch

37
00:01:33,293 --> 00:01:34,893
- this morning?
- Mm...

38
00:01:34,895 --> 00:01:36,696
It was really...

39
00:01:36,698 --> 00:01:38,666
- Informative.
- Hmm.

40
00:01:38,668 --> 00:01:40,335
And, like... like, empowering.

41
00:01:40,337 --> 00:01:43,773
And it totally felt like I
was holding up half the sky.

42
00:01:43,775 --> 00:01:45,042
- Huh.
- And... and...

43
00:01:45,044 --> 00:01:46,244
and "how brave," you know?

44
00:01:46,245 --> 00:01:48,847
And... and also? Equal pay!

45
00:01:48,849 --> 00:01:51,817
Because beside every
strong pharmaceutical man...

46
00:01:51,820 --> 00:01:53,756
I know you didn't go.

47
00:01:53,813 --> 00:01:55,413
Eliza, you missed out on
an incredible opportunity

48
00:01:55,414 --> 00:01:57,282
to meet other women in your field,

49
00:01:57,284 --> 00:01:59,985
seasoned vets who could've
provided valuable insight,

50
00:01:59,988 --> 00:02:02,358
one of whom could've served
as a future role model for you.

51
00:02:05,896 --> 00:02:07,063
I thought you were my role model.

52
00:02:07,065 --> 00:02:08,299
Me? No, no, no.

53
00:02:08,300 --> 00:02:10,468
Mentor, possibly. Advisor, certainly.

54
00:02:10,470 --> 00:02:12,237
- Sensei?
- Of sorts.

55
00:02:12,239 --> 00:02:13,740
- Elder.
- Okay, we're done playing this game.

56
00:02:13,742 --> 00:02:16,110
"Point bees," I'm not your role model.

57
00:02:16,112 --> 00:02:20,382
A role model is someone
whose life you aspire to.

58
00:02:20,385 --> 00:02:21,818
Do you want my life?

59
00:02:21,819 --> 00:02:23,920
- M'kay.
- No, no.

60
00:02:23,922 --> 00:02:25,990
Not... not "m'kay."

61
00:02:25,992 --> 00:02:28,060
This is something you should
be thinking seriously about.

62
00:02:28,062 --> 00:02:31,831
You should find someone
whose path you wanna walk.

63
00:02:31,834 --> 00:02:33,335
For instance, since...

64
00:02:33,337 --> 00:02:35,806
since childhood...

65
00:02:37,877 --> 00:02:40,078
My role model has been...

66
00:02:40,080 --> 00:02:41,247
Dave Thomas.

67
00:02:41,248 --> 00:02:43,749
Isn't he the hamburglar?

68
00:02:43,751 --> 00:02:46,486
No. Dave was the perfect role model for me

69
00:02:46,489 --> 00:02:47,790
because he started from the bottom.

70
00:02:47,791 --> 00:02:50,125

 Now he here 


71
00:02:50,127 --> 00:02:52,195

 Started from the bottom,
now the whole team... 


72
00:02:52,197 --> 00:02:53,397
If you'll quiet yourself,

73
00:02:53,399 --> 00:02:56,301
there is a quote in here
about Colonel Sanders...

74
00:02:56,303 --> 00:02:57,737
Mm.

75
00:02:57,739 --> 00:03:00,240
Basically got me through sophomore year.

76
00:03:00,242 --> 00:03:01,776
Um...

77
00:03:01,778 --> 00:03:03,412
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.

78
00:03:03,413 --> 00:03:05,981
Were you a skater boy?

79
00:03:05,984 --> 00:03:08,820
As a youth, I thrashed,

80
00:03:08,822 --> 00:03:11,457
enjoyed the occasional kickflip,
ollied about periodically.

81
00:03:11,459 --> 00:03:14,060
Wow. You even make skate
culture sound boring.

82
00:03:14,062 --> 00:03:17,231
Okay, Henry, I'll report back
when I find a female role model.

83
00:03:17,234 --> 00:03:19,535
And since I wasn't sure
whose life I wanted,

84
00:03:19,537 --> 00:03:20,838
I decided to start with someone

85
00:03:20,839 --> 00:03:22,272
who, judging from her frown lines,

86
00:03:22,274 --> 00:03:24,776
had a crapload of life experience.

87
00:03:24,778 --> 00:03:26,412
Joan.

88
00:03:26,414 --> 00:03:29,182
As someone who is way older than me,

89
00:03:29,184 --> 00:03:31,018
you've had a pretty good life, right?

90
00:03:31,020 --> 00:03:32,521
It's been adequate.

91
00:03:32,523 --> 00:03:34,524
And what advice would you
give someone hoping to attain

92
00:03:34,526 --> 00:03:36,495
the lifestyle you are currently living?

93
00:03:38,866 --> 00:03:40,867
You can never have too much bath tissue.

94
00:03:40,868 --> 00:03:43,937
So it wasn't gonna be Joan.

95
00:03:44,907 --> 00:03:46,508
Charmonique?

96
00:03:46,510 --> 00:03:49,178
How would you like to be a model?

97
00:03:49,180 --> 00:03:51,181
Mm, been there, done that.

98
00:03:51,183 --> 00:03:52,783
Seriously?

99
00:03:52,785 --> 00:03:53,919
Mm-hmm. I worked my way through college

100
00:03:53,920 --> 00:03:56,054
as a hand model for stock photos.

101
00:03:56,056 --> 00:03:59,326
Don't believe me? Google
"Racial equality hands."

102
00:04:01,932 --> 00:04:03,966
This baby girl right here

103
00:04:03,968 --> 00:04:07,137
has graced some of the
finest brochures, leaflets,

104
00:04:07,139 --> 00:04:09,841
and prints ads in...  America.

105
00:04:09,844 --> 00:04:11,077
May I?

106
00:04:11,078 --> 00:04:13,046
Please.

107
00:04:13,048 --> 00:04:15,850
Ahh! It's like silk!

108
00:04:15,852 --> 00:04:16,952
Mm-hmm.

109
00:04:16,954 --> 00:04:19,088
You are the perfect
choice to be my role model!

110
00:04:19,090 --> 00:04:20,457
Mnh-mnh. Pass.

111
00:04:20,458 --> 00:04:21,825
But you're an inspiration to me.

112
00:04:21,827 --> 00:04:23,295
And I wanna be just like you.

113
00:04:23,297 --> 00:04:25,831
Everybody does, but they can't.

114
00:04:25,833 --> 00:04:29,036
You can't just wake up one day,
decide to become Charmonique,

115
00:04:29,038 --> 00:04:31,774
and then just magically be her. Unh-unh!

116
00:04:50,199 --> 00:04:50,899
- synced and corrected by chamallow -
- www.addic7ed.com -

117
00:04:53,073 --> 00:04:54,940
Hello.

118
00:04:54,942 --> 00:04:57,243
What are you doing standing
right outside the men's room?

119
00:04:57,245 --> 00:04:58,512
Waiting for you.

120
00:04:58,514 --> 00:05:00,215
Well, I really wish you wouldn't ambush me.

121
00:05:00,217 --> 00:05:02,051
Okay, Henry, sure. No problem.

122
00:05:02,052 --> 00:05:03,453
I can do you that favor,

123
00:05:03,455 --> 00:05:07,358
just as long as you do a
small favor for me in return.

124
00:05:07,361 --> 00:05:08,861
Okay.

125
00:05:08,862 --> 00:05:12,131
So you know how I've been trying
to get Kevin to be more active

126
00:05:12,134 --> 00:05:15,336
after he's been diagnosed
as prehypertensive?

127
00:05:15,338 --> 00:05:16,939
I did not know that.

128
00:05:16,941 --> 00:05:20,043
Who knew a nugget-based
diet could be so harmful?

129
00:05:20,046 --> 00:05:21,847
Everyone, yeah.

130
00:05:21,848 --> 00:05:25,217
Dietarily, it's always the
thing you'd least expect.

131
00:05:25,220 --> 00:05:27,955
- First thing I'd expect.
- And yet, the kid has to eat.

132
00:05:27,957 --> 00:05:29,090
Anywho...

133
00:05:29,092 --> 00:05:30,426
Kevin has taken an
interest in skateboarding.

134
00:05:30,427 --> 00:05:33,362
And Eliza told me that you
used to be a wood pusher.

135
00:05:33,365 --> 00:05:34,799
- Mm-hmm.
- So I thought maybe...

136
00:05:34,800 --> 00:05:36,034
You could teach him.

137
00:05:36,036 --> 00:05:37,870
Hmm. No. Absolutely not.

138
00:05:37,872 --> 00:05:39,072
Charmonique, sorry to disappoint you,

139
00:05:39,073 --> 00:05:40,573
but I have a lot of work to do.

140
00:05:40,575 --> 00:05:43,444
She also told me how passionately you feel

141
00:05:43,446 --> 00:05:46,081
about the importance of role models.

142
00:05:46,083 --> 00:05:49,485
And who needs a role model more
than a hypertense 10-year-old

143
00:05:49,488 --> 00:05:51,990
with sleep apnea and no male presence?

144
00:05:51,992 --> 00:05:54,293
Okay. Fine. Fine. I will
teach him a few things.

145
00:05:54,295 --> 00:05:56,530
But this will not be
an everyday occurrence.

146
00:05:56,532 --> 00:05:58,566
Okay, I gotcha. I gotcha.

147
00:05:58,568 --> 00:06:01,937
Just once in a blue moon...
like his real father.

148
00:06:01,940 --> 00:06:03,207
Don't put that on me, Charmonique!

149
00:06:03,208 --> 00:06:05,143
It is what it is.

150
00:06:08,148 --> 00:06:10,950
I was beginning to give up hope
of ever finding a role model,

151
00:06:10,953 --> 00:06:12,487
until I remembered I did use to have one...

152
00:06:12,488 --> 00:06:13,988
Alpha bitch...

153
00:06:13,990 --> 00:06:15,458
Corynn McWatters.

154
00:06:15,460 --> 00:06:16,893
Back in the day,

155
00:06:16,894 --> 00:06:18,829
Corynn was smoking hot
and insanely popular.

156
00:06:18,831 --> 00:06:21,833
But judging by Lindsay Lohan,
Debbie Gibson, and J.T.T.,

157
00:06:21,836 --> 00:06:24,404
teenage popularity does not age well.

158
00:06:24,406 --> 00:06:27,308
And I was guessing Corynn
would be no different.

159
00:06:27,310 --> 00:06:29,311
Oh, my God! She's...

160
00:06:29,313 --> 00:06:30,880
Not exactly what I had in mind.

161
00:06:30,882 --> 00:06:33,350
But why? Why?

162
00:06:33,352 --> 00:06:34,519
- Look. Look.
- Yeah?

163
00:06:34,520 --> 00:06:36,054
She renovated a farmhouse in Provence

164
00:06:36,056 --> 00:06:38,491
with her award-winning
nature photographer husband.

165
00:06:38,493 --> 00:06:41,261
She's got two adorable kids
who model part-time for J. Crew.

166
00:06:41,264 --> 00:06:43,398
She's friends with the Barefoot Contessa.

167
00:06:43,400 --> 00:06:46,002
And oh, my God. She knows how
to make mussels. Mussels, Henry.

168
00:06:46,004 --> 00:06:47,505
Is it really that hard to make mussels?

169
00:06:47,506 --> 00:06:48,573
Don't you just boil them?

170
00:06:49,909 --> 00:06:52,144
If it's so easy, why don't you make some?

171
00:06:52,147 --> 00:06:54,348
Hmm? Go ahead. Where they at?

172
00:06:54,350 --> 00:06:57,185
Where the mussels at, Henry? Huh? Huh?

173
00:06:57,187 --> 00:06:58,988
Where the mussels at?

174
00:06:58,990 --> 00:07:01,024
Eliza, this person terrorized
you in middle school,

175
00:07:01,026 --> 00:07:02,360
elected you "most butt,"

176
00:07:02,361 --> 00:07:04,362
and, in your own words,
"made you feel more disgusting

177
00:07:04,364 --> 00:07:07,099
than Mary-Kate's old French boyfriend."

178
00:07:07,101 --> 00:07:08,902
I'm sorry. I just don't think

179
00:07:08,904 --> 00:07:11,172
Corynn McWatters is the
right role model for you.

180
00:07:11,174 --> 00:07:14,009
The old Corynn wasn't. But
look, look, look, look, look.

181
00:07:14,011 --> 00:07:15,511
Not only is she a published author,

182
00:07:15,513 --> 00:07:19,016
but she also has a
goldendoodle named Hugh Dancy,

183
00:07:19,019 --> 00:07:21,587
and I want a goldendoodle named Hugh Dancy.

184
00:07:21,589 --> 00:07:24,858
Oh, my God! Oh, look at Hugh Dancy.

185
00:07:24,860 --> 00:07:28,030
Who's a good Hugh Dancy?
Who's a good, good Hugh Dancy?

186
00:07:30,235 --> 00:07:32,203
All right, let's get a hold of ourselves.

187
00:07:32,205 --> 00:07:35,907
Her Instagram is curated
within an inch of its life.

188
00:07:35,909 --> 00:07:38,911
You of all people should know
how easy it is to fake perfection.

189
00:07:38,914 --> 00:07:40,915
Yes, except she's not faking. I checked.

190
00:07:40,917 --> 00:07:43,052
No heavy filter usage.

191
00:07:43,054 --> 00:07:44,287
No suss cropping... this is a low angle.

192
00:07:44,288 --> 00:07:46,056
If she had chins, we'd be seeing them.

193
00:07:46,058 --> 00:07:47,892
Isn't there some chin removing app

194
00:07:47,894 --> 00:07:49,228
that you're unaware of?

195
00:07:49,230 --> 00:07:51,631
Um, hello. Eliza Dooley.

196
00:07:51,633 --> 00:07:53,033
It's a pleasure to meet you.

197
00:07:53,034 --> 00:07:54,969
There are no apps I am unaware of.

198
00:07:54,971 --> 00:07:56,104
Who do you think you're talking to, Henry?

199
00:07:56,106 --> 00:07:57,540
Some newborn Instagram baby?

200
00:07:57,541 --> 00:08:00,343
Look, Corynn is having
a book reading tonight.

201
00:08:00,346 --> 00:08:01,914
Just come with me and see for yourself.

202
00:08:04,117 --> 00:08:05,518
You think Hugh Dancy will be there?

203
00:08:07,057 --> 00:08:08,324
When you take a surf lesson,

204
00:08:08,325 --> 00:08:10,560
you don't just jump right
in the ocean, do you?

205
00:08:12,462 --> 00:08:14,017
No. You don't.

206
00:08:14,019 --> 00:08:17,121
Hey, hey! Henry, do not yell at him.

207
00:08:17,123 --> 00:08:18,757
His blood pressure.

208
00:08:18,759 --> 00:08:21,227
I wasn't yelling. I was
just trying to make a p...

209
00:08:21,229 --> 00:08:23,597
let's move on.

210
00:08:23,599 --> 00:08:25,100
Now when approaching a skateboard,

211
00:08:25,102 --> 00:08:26,802
one must always be mindful...

212
00:08:26,804 --> 00:08:28,805
Yes, Kevin? What is it?

213
00:08:28,807 --> 00:08:30,908
I have no agilities.

214
00:08:30,909 --> 00:08:32,343
That's true. He doesn't.

215
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,913
Fortunately, one needn't be agile to skate.

216
00:08:34,915 --> 00:08:37,250
However, one must be knowledgeable.

217
00:08:37,252 --> 00:08:40,054
So we begin in 1972.

218
00:08:40,057 --> 00:08:42,058
A man by the name of Frank Nasworthy

219
00:08:42,060 --> 00:08:44,795
has just invented the polyurethane wheel...

220
00:08:44,797 --> 00:08:47,265
... under the crushing grip
of the infamous plywood lobby,

221
00:08:47,267 --> 00:08:49,935
which brings us to 1951.

222
00:08:49,937 --> 00:08:52,806
1951?! We moving backwards?

223
00:08:52,808 --> 00:08:54,108
Boards were plentiful, sure.

224
00:08:54,110 --> 00:08:55,811
But none with wheels.

225
00:08:55,813 --> 00:08:58,948
Do you mind? We're in
the middle of a lesson.

226
00:08:58,950 --> 00:09:00,685
A lesson about what?

227
00:09:00,687 --> 00:09:01,953
About skateboarding.

228
00:09:01,955 --> 00:09:04,757
You want a lesson from a non-poseur?

229
00:09:04,759 --> 00:09:06,895
- Come by the skate park.
- No doubt.

230
00:09:09,766 --> 00:09:11,233
Non-poseur?

231
00:09:11,235 --> 00:09:13,370
Who is a... are you s...

232
00:09:13,372 --> 00:09:14,739
Henry wasn't the only one

233
00:09:14,740 --> 00:09:16,974
confronting a childhood insecurity.

234
00:09:16,976 --> 00:09:19,978
I was about to meet
mine at her book signing.

235
00:09:19,981 --> 00:09:23,751
And even though Corynn
wasn't the perfect role model,

236
00:09:23,754 --> 00:09:25,289
she had to be better than that slut.

237
00:09:31,765 --> 00:09:34,800
If she had work done... and
I'm not saying she did...

238
00:09:34,803 --> 00:09:36,704
you can bet your ass it
was some top-shelf new-new

239
00:09:36,705 --> 00:09:37,940
probably done in Dubai.

240
00:09:41,713 --> 00:09:43,380
Enchant?e, everyone.

241
00:09:43,381 --> 00:09:45,649
Thank you so much for being here.

242
00:09:45,652 --> 00:09:49,652
This book, "La Bonne Table:
Recipes, memories, et moi,"

243
00:09:50,860 --> 00:09:53,294
was a real labor of love for me...

244
00:09:53,296 --> 00:09:55,331
emphasis on the labor.

245
00:09:55,333 --> 00:09:57,334
Corynn.

246
00:09:57,336 --> 00:09:58,669
A lot of the inspiration for the book

247
00:09:58,670 --> 00:10:00,404
came from my childhood.

248
00:10:00,406 --> 00:10:01,740
I grew up with her.

249
00:10:01,742 --> 00:10:03,777
Not that it was easy.

250
00:10:03,779 --> 00:10:05,679
I was a total nerd.

251
00:10:05,681 --> 00:10:07,282
No friends.

252
00:10:07,283 --> 00:10:10,085
The kids at school even
voted me "most butt."

253
00:10:10,088 --> 00:10:11,722
What?!

254
00:10:11,723 --> 00:10:14,958
I was "most butt"! She was "most popular"!

255
00:10:14,961 --> 00:10:16,829
Once had a sleepover.

256
00:10:16,831 --> 00:10:18,732
The popular girls cut off my hair.

257
00:10:18,734 --> 00:10:21,269
You! Oh! I cried and cried.

258
00:10:21,271 --> 00:10:23,806
The only thing that could comfort me

259
00:10:23,808 --> 00:10:26,810
was my maman's French onion soup.

260
00:10:26,812 --> 00:10:28,279
Page 29.

261
00:10:28,281 --> 00:10:30,148
- That was my story.
- Cook onion...

262
00:10:30,150 --> 00:10:31,851
Expect for the soup part.

263
00:10:31,853 --> 00:10:34,388
As I recall, I pity-binged on
SnackWell's and Crystal Pepsi.

264
00:10:34,390 --> 00:10:36,825
But other than that, can you believe this?!

265
00:10:36,827 --> 00:10:38,862
Huh?! That bitch stole my life!

266
00:10:42,100 --> 00:10:45,803
Merci. Merci beaucoup.

267
00:10:45,806 --> 00:10:48,708
And now I'd like to open it
up for all of your questions.

268
00:10:48,710 --> 00:10:50,110
Ms. McWatters,

269
00:10:50,112 --> 00:10:51,847
I'd like to ask about the time...

270
00:10:51,849 --> 00:10:53,716
Yeah. I have a question, Corynn.

271
00:10:53,717 --> 00:10:56,719
What does it feel like
to be a big fat liar?!

272
00:10:56,722 --> 00:10:59,824
For starters, I'm certainly not fat.

273
00:10:59,826 --> 00:11:02,361
Hey! You heard me! Liar!

274
00:11:02,363 --> 00:11:04,097
- Eliza!
- You still look super hot.

275
00:11:04,099 --> 00:11:06,801
Do you remember me?

276
00:11:06,803 --> 00:11:08,770
Security!

277
00:11:08,772 --> 00:11:10,673
- I got her! She's mine! I got her!
- Get away from me!

278
00:11:10,675 --> 00:11:13,377
Just get out of my way! Corynn...

279
00:11:13,379 --> 00:11:15,213
If you were voted "most butt,"

280
00:11:15,215 --> 00:11:17,283
then who was voted "most popular," huh? Me?

281
00:11:17,285 --> 00:11:18,852
Come on, Corynn. I really wanna know.

282
00:11:18,854 --> 00:11:20,122
- Huh? Aah!
- Yeah!

283
00:11:21,758 --> 00:11:24,760
Those are my stories! I'm Corynn McWatters!

284
00:11:24,763 --> 00:11:26,764
Uhh! I'm Corynn!

285
00:11:26,766 --> 00:11:27,900
Oh.

286
00:11:27,901 --> 00:11:30,836
The second she walks
out, I'm gonna jump her.

287
00:11:30,838 --> 00:11:32,272
I'm gonna jump her! You can't stop me!

288
00:11:32,274 --> 00:11:33,841
She's not jumping anyone, sir.

289
00:11:33,843 --> 00:11:36,711
As long she doesn't jump
her inside the store,

290
00:11:36,713 --> 00:11:37,880
we're good.

291
00:11:37,882 --> 00:11:39,883
You are a grown woman.
You are not jumping anyone.

292
00:11:39,885 --> 00:11:41,352
Corynn is a lying monster!

293
00:11:41,353 --> 00:11:44,122
Which is exactly why I said
she's not a good role model.

294
00:11:44,124 --> 00:11:45,691
This is consistent

295
00:11:45,693 --> 00:11:46,860
with everything you've told me about her.

296
00:11:46,862 --> 00:11:48,229
I can't fathom why you're so surprised.

297
00:11:48,230 --> 00:11:50,765
Henry, I don't need you to
be right right now, okay?

298
00:11:50,767 --> 00:11:52,301
Okay.

299
00:11:52,303 --> 00:11:54,037
Corynn has taught me

300
00:11:54,039 --> 00:11:56,206
that everything about myself is wrong...

301
00:11:56,208 --> 00:11:57,742
the way I walked,

302
00:11:57,744 --> 00:11:59,979
the way I talked,

303
00:11:59,981 --> 00:12:01,448
the way I dressed.

304
00:12:01,449 --> 00:12:03,884
And I... I worked really hard

305
00:12:03,886 --> 00:12:05,486
to change that person.

306
00:12:05,488 --> 00:12:09,325
To not be that person.

307
00:12:09,328 --> 00:12:13,031
And then she... she stole that person.

308
00:12:20,877 --> 00:12:22,111
When you're young,

309
00:12:22,113 --> 00:12:24,848
everybody pretends to
be something they're not.

310
00:12:24,850 --> 00:12:27,820
I used to tell people
my dad invented velcro.

311
00:12:29,223 --> 00:12:31,324
I used to tell people I
was good at skateboarding

312
00:12:31,326 --> 00:12:33,828
even though I wasn't.

313
00:12:33,830 --> 00:12:35,298
I thought it made me seem cool.

314
00:12:37,102 --> 00:12:38,836
You're not cool.

315
00:12:38,837 --> 00:12:40,871
No.

316
00:12:40,873 --> 00:12:42,341
I never was.

317
00:12:45,313 --> 00:12:47,448
But she is.

318
00:12:52,212 --> 00:12:54,581
It's open!

319
00:12:56,318 --> 00:12:57,519
It's open?

320
00:12:58,688 --> 00:12:59,855
I really wish you wouldn't do that.

321
00:12:59,857 --> 00:13:01,224
Somebody could come right in here.

322
00:13:01,226 --> 00:13:02,593
There's nothing anyone can take

323
00:13:02,594 --> 00:13:05,329
that hasn't already been
taken by Corynn McWatters.

324
00:13:05,331 --> 00:13:07,866
Expect for this Crystal
Pepsi that I bought on eBay.

325
00:13:07,869 --> 00:13:09,603
I can't believe what I'm seeing.

326
00:13:09,604 --> 00:13:11,938
I know, right? It only cost $80.

327
00:13:11,940 --> 00:13:15,376
$80? All right, we're...
we're gonna come back to that.

328
00:13:15,379 --> 00:13:17,413
Eliza, I can't believe you're
letting Corynn McWatters

329
00:13:17,415 --> 00:13:18,682
get away with this.

330
00:13:18,683 --> 00:13:21,819
What am I supposed to do?
She's Corynn McWatters.

331
00:13:21,822 --> 00:13:23,656
And you're Eliza Dooley.

332
00:13:23,658 --> 00:13:25,225
Hey.

333
00:13:25,226 --> 00:13:26,627
You are the same girl

334
00:13:26,629 --> 00:13:28,196
who gave Ryan Gosling's cousin a lap dance

335
00:13:28,198 --> 00:13:29,465
at a house party in Encino.

336
00:13:29,466 --> 00:13:31,200
Or was that some other Eliza Dooley?

337
00:13:31,202 --> 00:13:33,703
No. That was me.

338
00:13:33,705 --> 00:13:35,706
I... I imagine that required
a fair amount of bravery

339
00:13:35,708 --> 00:13:37,342
- on your part.
- Oh.

340
00:13:37,344 --> 00:13:39,779
It did. There was no music on.

341
00:13:39,781 --> 00:13:42,249
Okay, then. Where's that girl?

342
00:13:42,251 --> 00:13:44,553
Right here.

343
00:13:44,555 --> 00:13:45,621
- Yeah!
- Whoo!

344
00:13:45,623 --> 00:13:47,224
Whoo! Yeah!

345
00:13:47,225 --> 00:13:49,293
- Whoo!
- Okay.

346
00:13:49,295 --> 00:13:51,763
This is... okay. All right. All... okay.

347
00:13:51,766 --> 00:13:53,567
Your leg is...

348
00:13:53,568 --> 00:13:55,769
I don't want you to give me a lap dance.

349
00:13:55,771 --> 00:13:58,272
I want you to stop
feeling sorry for yourself

350
00:13:58,275 --> 00:13:59,776
and start standing up for yourself.

351
00:13:59,777 --> 00:14:01,444
You have a lot to be proud of.

352
00:14:01,446 --> 00:14:03,514
- Yeah.
- Yeah!

353
00:14:03,516 --> 00:14:06,886
I also dry humped Macklemore.

354
00:14:08,556 --> 00:14:09,923
After a good night's sleep

355
00:14:09,925 --> 00:14:11,259
and some extra strength Tylenol,

356
00:14:11,260 --> 00:14:12,794
I decided to approach Corynn

357
00:14:12,796 --> 00:14:15,297
and have a calm, rational
conversation about

358
00:14:15,299 --> 00:14:17,467
what a trifling-ass bitch she was.

359
00:14:17,469 --> 00:14:19,604
Okay, I want a fair fight. Okay.

360
00:14:19,606 --> 00:14:21,340
Her kids are nearby, so
nothing below the belt. Go.

361
00:14:21,342 --> 00:14:22,942
Hi, Corynn.

362
00:14:22,944 --> 00:14:24,345
Remember me?

363
00:14:24,346 --> 00:14:25,779
Aren't you the crazy woman

364
00:14:25,781 --> 00:14:27,983
who was escorted out of
my reading last night?

365
00:14:27,985 --> 00:14:30,353
Yes, she is. Sorry.

366
00:14:30,355 --> 00:14:33,257
But I'm also Eliza.

367
00:14:34,594 --> 00:14:36,463
Eliza Dooley.

368
00:14:37,866 --> 00:14:39,767
"Most butt."

369
00:14:39,768 --> 00:14:42,803
Eliza? Wow.

370
00:14:42,806 --> 00:14:44,240
I haven't said this
since I became a mother,

371
00:14:44,241 --> 00:14:47,610
but holy [Bleep] [Bleep], you look amazing.

372
00:14:47,613 --> 00:14:49,314
I know.

373
00:14:49,316 --> 00:14:50,583
You're like a totally different person.

374
00:14:50,584 --> 00:14:52,451
No, you are a totally different person.

375
00:14:52,453 --> 00:14:53,820
Specifically, my person.

376
00:14:53,822 --> 00:14:56,357
More specifically, the person I used to be.

377
00:14:56,359 --> 00:14:59,028
To be, uh, super specific,
you stole her identity.

378
00:14:59,030 --> 00:15:00,397
Which, depending on the state,

379
00:15:00,399 --> 00:15:01,966
is anything from a first-degree felony

380
00:15:01,968 --> 00:15:03,268
to a third-degree misdemeanor.

381
00:15:03,269 --> 00:15:05,337
So kiss your kids goodbye, Corynn.

382
00:15:05,339 --> 00:15:06,906
You're going to prison.

383
00:15:06,908 --> 00:15:09,410
She's... she's not going to prison.

384
00:15:09,412 --> 00:15:12,280
That's a different kind of identity theft.

385
00:15:12,282 --> 00:15:14,316
She was never that bright.

386
00:15:14,318 --> 00:15:15,852
This was a really bad idea.

387
00:15:15,854 --> 00:15:17,422
Let's just get out of here.

388
00:15:17,424 --> 00:15:18,857
No, no. Eliza...

389
00:15:18,858 --> 00:15:20,793
I'm sorry I stole

390
00:15:20,795 --> 00:15:24,531
your sad-sack, "most butt" nonexistence.

391
00:15:24,534 --> 00:15:25,867
Apology accepted. Thanks, Corynn.

392
00:15:25,868 --> 00:15:29,438
But I just need that
backstory more than you do.

393
00:15:29,441 --> 00:15:32,876
No one wants life lessons
and dinner planning ideas

394
00:15:32,879 --> 00:15:35,381
from a still-gorgeous former mean girl.

395
00:15:35,383 --> 00:15:37,452
Former mean girl?

396
00:15:39,254 --> 00:15:41,756
You just burned Corynn McWatters!

397
00:15:41,759 --> 00:15:43,728
Now you try. Ah...

398
00:15:45,397 --> 00:15:47,631
Hey, Corynn,

399
00:15:47,633 --> 00:15:49,000
your quick-and-easy
dinner ideas

400
00:15:49,002 --> 00:15:50,803
are neither quick nor easy.

401
00:15:50,805 --> 00:15:52,372
I tried to make one last night,

402
00:15:52,373 --> 00:15:56,377
and it took me forever
and it tasted like crap.

403
00:15:59,351 --> 00:16:02,353
That's more of a burn on you,
but really good try! Yeah!

404
00:16:02,355 --> 00:16:05,791
I did it. I handled Corynn McWatters.

405
00:16:05,794 --> 00:16:09,396
And now there was something
Henry needed to do.

406
00:16:09,398 --> 00:16:10,932
One...

407
00:16:10,934 --> 00:16:11,968
Whoo!

408
00:16:11,969 --> 00:16:13,504
Two...

409
00:16:14,974 --> 00:16:16,307
Whoo! Yeah!

410
00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:17,609
Two...

411
00:16:17,611 --> 00:16:19,411
Do it, bro!

412
00:16:19,413 --> 00:16:21,348
Just drop in! Whoo!

413
00:16:21,350 --> 00:16:23,284
- Whoo!
- Yeah. Come on. Do it.

414
00:16:23,286 --> 00:16:24,486
What if I die?

415
00:16:24,487 --> 00:16:27,322
- What if you live?
- Yeah.

416
00:16:27,324 --> 00:16:29,794
Right. Yeah.

417
00:16:32,533 --> 00:16:33,967
Whoo!

418
00:16:35,537 --> 00:16:37,304
No. Didn't work.

419
00:16:37,306 --> 00:16:41,042
Okay, on the count of three,
I'm... I'm just gonna run up

420
00:16:41,045 --> 00:16:42,546
and I'm gonna push you in, okay?

421
00:16:42,547 --> 00:16:44,781
- No, you can't do that!
- Push him! Ride or die!

422
00:16:44,783 --> 00:16:47,285
- Yeah!
- No!

423
00:16:47,287 --> 00:16:49,054
One!

424
00:16:49,056 --> 00:16:50,723
- Come on!
- Two!

425
00:16:50,725 --> 00:16:51,992
Three!

426
00:16:51,994 --> 00:16:53,962
Oh, God!

427
00:16:53,963 --> 00:16:56,599
Oh, my God! Henry!

428
00:16:58,804 --> 00:17:02,040
I did it!

429
00:17:02,042 --> 00:17:05,511
I think I broke every bone in my body.

430
00:17:05,514 --> 00:17:09,350
Hey, somebody get me a frosty!

431
00:17:09,352 --> 00:17:12,387
I was proud of Henry, and
it seemed like everyone

432
00:17:12,390 --> 00:17:13,991
was traveling outside
of their comfort zone.

433
00:17:13,993 --> 00:17:16,528
Linda, is that a French braid?

434
00:17:16,530 --> 00:17:20,833
Yeah. I decided to try something different.

435
00:17:20,836 --> 00:17:23,371
I just find her so incredibly inspiring.

436
00:17:23,373 --> 00:17:26,408
Apparently, she comes from
a very ugly background,

437
00:17:26,410 --> 00:17:29,613
and she overcame all of that
to be hot and successful.

438
00:17:29,616 --> 00:17:30,949
Did you read it?

439
00:17:30,950 --> 00:17:35,054
Read it? Hell, I practically wrote it.

440
00:17:37,393 --> 00:17:38,460
I didn't need to search the world

441
00:17:38,462 --> 00:17:39,862
for a positive female role model

442
00:17:39,863 --> 00:17:42,466
with a more robust hairline
than Madeleine Albright.

443
00:17:44,638 --> 00:17:46,539
I already had one.

444
00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:50,911
13-year-old me would
have never believed it.

445
00:17:50,913 --> 00:17:52,480
I had surpassed expectations

446
00:17:52,482 --> 00:17:55,450
and grown up to have a hot
boyfriend and a cool job.

447
00:17:55,452 --> 00:17:57,420
13-year-old me would
be really proud.

448
00:17:57,422 --> 00:18:00,424
And now it was time
to show 13-year-old me

449
00:18:00,427 --> 00:18:03,430
that I was proud of her, too.

450
00:18:27,399 --> 00:18:28,566
Yeah.

451
00:18:28,568 --> 00:18:31,338
Yes!

452
00:18:33,041 --> 00:18:36,578
Whoo!

453
00:18:39,350 --> 00:18:41,517
What... what the hell, baby?

454
00:18:41,519 --> 00:18:43,587
Do you like it?

455
00:18:43,589 --> 00:18:46,692
You're crazy.

456
00:18:47,895 --> 00:18:49,396
Is that you?

457
00:18:49,398 --> 00:18:50,665
Hey.

458
00:18:50,667 --> 00:18:51,867
It's not funny. It's not.

459
00:18:51,868 --> 00:18:55,537
Oh, come on. It's... it's a little funny.

460
00:18:55,540 --> 00:18:58,810
Yeah, maybe it's a little funny.

461
00:19:01,416 --> 00:19:04,451
What's her deal, huh?

462
00:19:04,453 --> 00:19:05,887
What's she into?

463
00:19:05,889 --> 00:19:09,392
I don't know.

464
00:19:09,394 --> 00:19:11,561
New Kids on the Block and... Furby.

465
00:19:11,563 --> 00:19:12,830
Yeah?

466
00:19:12,832 --> 00:19:14,566
Well...

467
00:19:14,568 --> 00:19:17,971
Think she might like a cute boy
to take her to concert sometime?

468
00:19:17,973 --> 00:19:21,973
I think she would literally crap her pants.

469
00:19:22,679 --> 00:19:24,081
Then tell her to bring a change of pants.

470
00:19:31,392 --> 00:19:32,759
That night, I dreamt about

471
00:19:32,761 --> 00:19:34,529
next year's "Women in Pharma" brunch,

472
00:19:34,531 --> 00:19:37,733
which I would def be at.

473
00:19:37,735 --> 00:19:40,905
Because who knows how many
other women I could inspire?

474
00:19:44,478 --> 00:19:46,746
That's your new mantra.

475
00:19:46,748 --> 00:19:48,449
That's a good mantra.

476
00:19:48,451 --> 00:19:49,517
Where's your G.F.?

477
00:19:49,518 --> 00:19:53,555
Eliza? Oh, she's not
my G.F. She's just my F.

478
00:19:53,558 --> 00:19:55,559
You ever hook up with her?

479
00:19:55,561 --> 00:19:57,462
No.

480
00:19:57,464 --> 00:19:59,098
But I once saw her naked.

481
00:19:59,100 --> 00:20:00,567
- All right!
- Yeah!

482
00:20:00,568 --> 00:20:02,001
Wait.

483
00:20:02,003 --> 00:20:03,971
You saw her naked but you
didn't hook up with her?

484
00:20:03,973 --> 00:20:06,374
What happened to "no fear"?

485
00:20:06,376 --> 00:20:08,011
That's before I had this.

486
00:21:29,097 --> 00:21:32,099
- Next time, I'll be ready.
- Yeah, right.

487
00:21:32,101 --> 00:21:33,436
Nice.

488
00:21:38,444 --> 00:21:40,846
Whoo.

489
00:21:49,585 --> 00:21:54,585
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490
00:21:54,635 --> 00:21:59,185
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